For Alex, Brody, & Morrigan

Morrigan Clare Adams, infant daughter of the Rev. John D. and Melissa Adams, passed away Thursday, April 25, 2013, in Heartland Regional Medical Center in Marion.

Morrigan was born Thursday, April 25, 2013, in Marion, to the Rev. John Dean and Melissa Melinda (Wright) Adams.

She was preceded in death by a sister, Alexandra Kelly Adams on July 11, 1996; and a brother, Brody Simon Adams on March 1, 2006.

Morrigan was the third child Melissa and I conceived who suffered and died. Each of the three died of a different condition that only one child in 50,000+ ever suffers from. We are grateful for and love our three remaining boys, but bringing three other children into the world only to suffer and die is a pretty hard thing to face. It feels selfish and wrong. We know we had nothing to do with their conditions or deaths, but it still hurts.

When we lost Morrigan, I tried to remain strong for my family, hiding my own feelings of loss, guilt, and horror at having to bury one more child. But you cannot repress those kinds of feelings forever. A year after her death, I resigned from my job and took a year to try and heal. I took an hourly job grinding rust off of steel and then repainting it. The physical work, my friends and family as well as my faith have very slowly brought me to the place where I feel like I am fully myself again - able to work, play, and function at a level like I could before we lost Morrigan. And I am very thankful to be that way.

I am sure I went through a time of deep depression or some such thing and probably should have sought professional help. If I had to do it over again, I would. But I am so glad to be back to my old self again. Do I still feel intense pain, loss and guilt? Of course. But I have learned how to live with it without it so that it is no longer debilitating emotionally or mentally.

Why am I writing this? Because I miss my children that I did not get to raise. And also because in some way, it might help someone else going through something similar. If you need someone to talk to about a tragedy you are experiencing, please feel free to contact me using the form on the right side of this website.

Alexandra, Brody, and Morrigan - your Daddy misses you.